I don’t remember much of year 11, or year 12. I do remember important things. I remember the hard times, and some of the good times.

In year 11 my friendship with Ren was hanging by a thread. When that thread snapped I ignored him… I would never have admitted how much it hurt to see him around the school. Bonnie knows that I cried during lunch whenever he walked by without a second glance, when he didn’t look at me or even acknowledge my existence. I started to sink into depression. My mother saw it, she was angry at Ren for hurting me. I turned away from school. I despised it. I lost pretty much all faith in humanity. Bonnie was there for me. We were brought closer by that experience. I am glad everything turned out the way it did. If it weren’t for that then I wouldn’t be friends with Bonnie, I wouldn’t have spent so much time getting to know Jasmine and Simone. I was happy for the first time in months when I started to hang out with them. I had fun. I enjoyed school for a while. Then they all graduated. I realised at that time that I was going to have to face year 12 on my own. I had friends, but no one I would rely on, no one I would want to tell about my worries and everything that was going on in my life.

I started to spend time with Kathryn, Amanda and Yasmine. I tried to replace Bonnie, Simone and Jasmine with them. I tried to see qualities that belonged to my old friends. No matter how I looked at it, they were not who I wanted them to be. They were not the same. This made me angry and upset. I continued to skip school. I hated getting up in the morning to face the disappointment that always followed. I didn’t concentrate in class. I continued with most of my subjects. I only stayed in music because that was the only time I could remind Ren that I was still there, and I wasn’t going away. I pushed people away, my friendship with Page was short lived because of my dislike of school and anything that would get in the way of her doing the best she could wasn’t worth her time… I agree with that. I wasn’t good for her or her schoolwork so I’m glad she stopped thinking of me as a friend.

Amanda left school, she moved to another state. I started to get even more depressed. I was saddened by the thought that everyone I became friends with would move on and forget me. All my friends started to leave, wether it be to hang out with other people or move or graduate. Kathryn and Yasmine stayed by my side, but I’m not as grateful of that as I was of Bonnie. That was because they were not who I wanted them to be. I hadn’t known them for four years, they didn’t sit down and have real conversations. Every time I tried to start something serious they would run off like the children they are. I missed the intelligent and serious conversations with Jasmine, Simone and Bonnie, I missed watching Jasmine rant and Simone constantly interrupting her. I missed listening to Bonnie talk about boys, cars and music. I loved when Jasmine and Simone shared their art with us, I was proud to be their friend. I felt like I was with people I belonged with. It was one of the only places that I felt like I belonged.

Even when I was even the slightest bit happy I still hated school. I let my grades drop. I hated the fact that I couldn’t keep up with everyone else. I got angrier and angrier. I got more and more depressed.

I became friends with Ren again. I was still angry at him for the fight. Even if he did say that he had wanted to be friends with me again, I was still mad at him. I was furious that I had to be the one to apologise. Ren invited me to sit with the group. I hated that. It felt wrong to be sitting with everyone again. The group was so much bigger, I didn’t feel like it was right for me to be there. I watched as everyone had fun. I felt awkward. It made me sad to think that I had once belonged. People were nice to me, but I really didn’t feel like I fitted in.

My grades continued to drop. I get scared. I panicked about what would happen if I failed, what would I do? What would life be like? My doctor had to tell the school to leave me alone. I didn’t want her help, or any help the school had to offer, and yet I felt as if I couldn’t do anything. I felt helpless. I applied for a traineeship to get the points I needed in April. They finally gave it to me in August. Between those times I started taking tablets to help me relax and calm down. My mum started taking Thursdays off to help me with my school work.

I passed all my subjects… after changing into ones I liked… I finished my traineeship in 2 months and 1 day. I graduated from high school. I passed year 12. What do I have to show for all those nights I stayed up past 3 am to study or do assignments? I have my year 12 certificate and cert II in retail… was it worth it? Yes. Would I ever go back and do it again? No.

I doubt any of this is really relevant to people, but be prepared to feel helpless… Heaps of people will break down in year 12… People in my grade cried when it came to block exams and tests. I cried at night, I cried in the car, I cried at lunches. By the end of it I was ready to give up… then all of the sudden it was over… I wasn’t ready for it to end. It all ended so abruptly. The only time I cried about school was on Wednesday, when I realised that clap out and graduation was the last time I would see most people and I would never get to see my teachers again. I would never get to let them know how much they helped me, even if they don’t know it, or it doesn’t seem like they helped, just being in my life at that time and not losing faith in me helped me so much.

I now want to thank all my friends. Make sure you are there for eachother. I think I owe a specially big thanks to David who sat through the tears this year and listened to my worries and comforted me. I know that I would never have been able to be here without him... if it weren't for him I definitly wouldn't have made it through math... even if it was prevoc math... seriously, why would the school give us 5 assignments/tests in our second last week? Why not the thrird or fourth last? It would have made school ALOT easier.

Also, as a little note to everyone... DON'T PROCRASTINATE!!! IT DOESN'T GET YOU ANYWHERE!!!

Now I'm feeling all emotional... I might even cry if I'm not careful. I think the hardest part to write about was Bonnie, Simone and Jasmine and how I felt after they left.

One more thing, who's going away over New Years? I was hoping to arange a New Years/B'day Party! David is turning 17 on the 31st of December. How much would it suck to go into labour on New Years Eve? I bet all the doctors were celebrating the end of 1992 when he was born. I could imagine them with party hats on and streamers in the back ground while someone goes around handing out chamagne... I know that's not what happened, but it would be a funny scene!